John Wineland on How To Get Clear on What You Want in a Relationship

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John Wineland shares with us how to recognize the difference between masculine and feminine energies. It’s common for the feminine energy to need clear presence and the masculine energy to need nourishment from their partners. He also tells us how to get clear on what you seek in a relationship, plus the three ways to have sex: physical, emotional and energetic.

John Wineland is one of our absolute favorite people to discuss conscious relationships and intimacy. He’s a speaker, relationship coach, and teacher who has been on the podcast with us multiple times. Every time we talk to him, we get more requests for his relationship advice because it’s so intuitive and grounded. 

Who is John Wineland?

John Wineland leads men and women in the practices of embodied masculine leadership, spiritual intimacy, and sexual polarity. In 2014, he founded The New Men’s Work Project, a project that works to create 1000 men’s groups worldwide in the next ten years. 

With over 30 years of experience in his own Buddhist meditative practice and 10 years of intensive study and practice with renowned Yogic Intimacy teacher, David Deida, John Wineland seeks to create a profound experience for men and women longing to express their deepest desires. 

Professional Development

In this post you’ll learn

  • How to recognize the difference between masculine and feminine energies
  • How to get super clear on what you actually want in a relationship
  • The three different ways to have sex
  • What the feminine partner tends to need in a relationship
  • What the masculine partner tends to need in a relationship

How to attract a relationship?

One of the questions we hear most often is, “How do I attract a healthy, loving relationship?” But before you can attract that relationship, a big piece of it is getting really clear on what exactly you want and need in a partner. 

Here are John Wineland’s three biggest takeaways for finding clarity on how to attract a healthy and loving relationship:

1. Recognize the difference between masculine and feminine energies

For the feminine, John has found that having real clarity about your desire is key. As a generalization, he’s found that women crave a really fierce and clear presence in their romantic partners. So ask yourself what your heart needs. Do you need to be led a certain way, listened to a certain way, or caressed a certain way? 

John shared that there are one or two things that truly matter to each person, and if you’re not clear on that, then dating gets really muddled. For the masculine, the desire is a bit different — rather than asking about your desire, masculine energy responds to nourishing energy, and you should try asking yourself if this person nourishes you.

2. Get in touch with the core desire of your heart

You should have SUPER high expectations for dating! You deserve it. But have high expectations in a few specific areas. When we make a long list of what we want in a romantic partner, it’s easy to say that a person doesn’t have XYZ on the checklist and disregard them, even though they have a ton of other amazing traits.

So what John does is help people become very clear in their desire. The question he asks people is, “If I asked you to say in one sentence what you need from your romantic partner, what would you say?” This is hard and it has taken some of his clients days to answer!

So try to answer that in one sentence. By doing so, you can create high expectations for dating AND get in touch with the core desire of your heart.

3. Accept that without knowing your core desire, everything is just show

If you don’t know what the core desire of your heart is, John says you’ll just be building a life based on stuff that doesn’t really matter. His main goal at the end of the day is to help us deepen the understanding of what’s important for our hearts and to see what’s possible in love.

John found that most women don’t believe that core desire is possible or a possibility for them to live in because it’s been so painful, but he wants to change that mentality.

Bonus Tip: John Wineland on Sex

Once you have attracted your relationship, here are a few things John Winleland told us about sex. The more that our sex is about getting something, whether that is pleasure, connection etc., the more shallow it is. There is a whole realm of sexuality that is energetic and some would say spiritual in nature. 

There are 3 ways we can have sex:

  1. We can have sex with our physical bodies
  2. We can have sex with our emotional bodies. 
  3. We can have energetic sex. This is all about being attuned with each other’s energy.

Great sex happens when all three are aligned. Most of us spend all of our time perfecting the first layer, concerned about our physical bodies, but there is so much more to having great sex. There is a practice of feeling much deeper!

If you are masculine you tend to want to feel the surrender and the energetic wash of penetrating somebody’s heart very deeply. You’re also going to want to be able to hold your woman by your breath. You want to experience feeling her radiance. 

If you are a feminine partner, you want to be seen and known from a presence you trust deeply. You want your feelings cherished and your heart ravished.

John’s advice really resonated with us and we’re so glad we can share it with you too! It’s easy to get confused around what’s really important in a partner, so John reminds us to be aware of our core needs and be clear about them when you’re dating.

His tips about sex are great too! It’s common to neglect the emotional and energetic aspects of sex, and John really explained what the masculine and feminine energies typically desire.

Want to hear more from Jay Shetty?

For additional ways to connect with John, follow him on Instagram or browse his website. Looking to learn more about relationships, dating, intimacy, and connection? Listen to our episodes with John.

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  1. David Babich says:

    Hello from Calgary Alberta Canada.
    Good article, however this section doesn’t make sense. Why is it that John would want to change this mentality of most women?
    “John found that most women don’t believe that core desire is possible or a possibility for them to live in because it’s been so painful, but he wants to change that mentality.”

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We're Krista + Lindsey. Co-hosts of the Almost 30 Podcast, entrepreneurs, creatives, community leaders, best friends, wellness-obsessed spiritual seekers, alien lovers...and always ch-ch-ch-changing. We're excited to have you here. If you're enjoying these posts, check out our podcast, our story, and find more education in our shop!

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