John Wineland on How To Get Clear on What You Want in a Relationship

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John Wineland is one of our absolute favorite people to discuss conscious relationships and intimacy. He’s a speaker, relationship coach, and teacher who has been on the podcast with us multiple times. Every time we talk to him, we get more requests for his relationship advice because it’s so intuitive and grounded. 

One of the questions we hear most often is, “How do I attract a healthy, loving relationship?” But before you can attract that relationship, a big piece of it is getting really clear on what exactly you want and need in a partner. 

Here are John’s three biggest takeaways for finding that clarity: 

  1. Recognize the difference between masculine and feminine energies

For the feminine, John has found that having real clarity about your desire is key. As a generalization, he’s found that women crave a really fierce and clear presence in their romantic partners. So ask yourself what your heart needs. Do you need to be led a certain way, listened to a certain way, or caressed a certain way? John shared that there are one or two things that truly matter to each person, and if you’re not clear on that, then dating gets really muddled. For the masculine, the desire is a bit different — rather than asking about your desire, masculine energy responds to nourishing energy, and you should try asking yourself if this person nourishes you. 

  1. Get in touch with the core desire of your heart

You should have SUPER high expectations for dating! You deserve it. But have high expectations in a few specific areas. When we make a long list of what we want in a romantic partner, it’s easy to say that a person doesn’t have XYZ on the checklist and disregard them, even though they have a ton of other amazing traits. So what John does is help people become very clear in their desire. The question he asks people is, “If I asked you to say in one sentence what you need from your romantic partner, what would you say?” This is hard and it has taken some of his clients days to answer! So try to answer that in one sentence. By doing so, you can create high expectations for dating AND get in touch with the core desire of your heart.

  1. Accept that without knowing your core desire, everything is just show

If you don’t know what the core desire of your heart is, John says you’ll just be building a life based on stuff that doesn’t really matter. His main goal at the end of the day is to help us deepen the understanding of what’s important for our hearts and to see what’s possible in love. John found that most women don’t believe that core desire is possible or a possibility for them to live in because it’s been so painful, but he wants to change that mentality.

John’s advice really resonated with us and we’re so glad we can share it with you too! It’s easy to get confused around what’s really important in a partner, so John reminds us to be aware of our core needs and be clear about them when you’re dating.

Looking to learn more about relationships, dating, intimacy, and connection? Check out our episodes with John: 

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We're Krista + Lindsey. Co-hosts of the Almost 30 Podcast, entrepreneurs, creatives, community leaders, best friends, wellness-obsessed spiritual seekers, alien lovers...and always ch-ch-ch-changing. We're excited to have you here. If you're enjoying these posts, check out our podcast, our story, and find more education in our shop!

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