Krista here! A big part of my journey has been healing my mother wound. I’ve been on a long path of healing to recover from the abandonment issues, insecurity, codependency, and narcissism that’s followed me from the relationship with my mother. This journey has been hugely impactful for me, and these tips were really instrumental in my growth.
These are my top three takeaways for healing the mother wound:
- Let Go Of The Idea Of Your Mother Changing
To me, letting go of wanting my mom to change is the very first and most important piece of this journey. One of the most transformational steps for me was dedicating myself to understanding the ways my mom grew up and how that potentially leads to the decisions that she makes later in life. By understanding the background, you can lean into taking the power back in your life, releasing any of these expectations and ideas of who your mom should be, and accept your mom as who she is. It doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship with your mom or be best friends or be in a toxic relationship with her, but surrendering to who she is and what she has created in your life is so powerful.
Part of my process was grieving. I was emotional and sad for my younger self who wanted to be seen and loved and wanted everyone to have peace. She wanted healing for her mom. So I’ve been letting go of my expectation of healing for others and focusing on healing for myself.
As I was letting go of the expectation for my mom to change, I did it in three steps: First, I let go. Next, I found compassion for her past. Then, I decided how to show up. This made us equals and allowed me to take back my power in the relationship.
- Creating Boundaries
Boundaries can be liberating but it can be different for everyone. For me, setting boundaries with my mom was really freeing, but it’s not easy for everyone. Boundaries should be based on your own experience and be something that’s helpful for you while also beneficial for your mom.
One of the most transformational boundaries I set was learning to say “no” when I used to say “yes.” I used to say yes to going home for Christmas, and I would be so miserable and just didn’t enjoy myself. I used to feel shame and sadness that I didn’t feel joy during the holidays, but once I decided to say “no” to going home for the holidays, I felt so much better. Now, I spend time with my fam outside of the holidays. You’re ALLOWED to set boundaries and you’re allowed to express your needs. Don’t forget that. Even though setting boundaries came easily for me, expressing my needs didn’t — this came with age. Just remember, your relationship with your mom doesn’t have to be a martyr situation for either person. Mother is equal, daughter is equal. You’re allowed to express how you feel and set boundaries that feel best for you.
- Leaning Into Sisterhood
Leaning into my friends has been profoundly transformational in my journey. I didn’t realize how much I didn’t trust women until I was in relationships with women where I could speak about distrust and heal that mother wound. This is all because I was with women who loved me, respected me, and were there for me. Allowing that female friendship to heal so much of the divine feminine wound was a big part of my growth. As I developed these relationships, I realized there was a part of me that wasn’t being vulnerable. I felt like I had to be perfect, had to have the answers, couldn’t let my guard down, or couldn’t fight. I felt like everyone would let me down or betray me. But now that I’ve been lucky enough to have such deep, intimate soul connections, like with Lindsey, that lets me trust women again when times get hard. I now realize that no one is going to take love away from me. Linds is going to love me the same as before and seek to always see the good in me, be there for me, and hear me. I couldn’t have realized this without leaning into the sisterhood.
I hope my own work of healing, moving on, and reforging a new relationship with my mother inspires you. It takes time, but healing that mother wound is so transformational and is instrumental in our growth.
If you want to dive in more, I recorded an entire episode around the mother wound and my journey. Check it out here!